Pondering

Lately I have been thinking about my epilepsy and life in general. I've had epilepsy for almost seven years, but it seems like a lifetime. In that time, I have grown and changed a lot and it's been for the better. The lessons I have learned are not all big lessons, either. A lot of them are small.

The thing is, I was so confident before I was diagnosed with epilepsy. As confident as an 8th grader can be, anyways. I loved my friends, school was great; life was good! It's funny how one thing can change your life completely, though. One second you are perfectly healthy, the next second you are having seizures. One day. Seven words from the neurologist. "Two or more seizures is technically epilepsy." Seven words that changed my life. That one seizure in 8th grade was not just a one time thing, as my family and I had hoped. It was the beginning of a new chapter. And really, a new me.

After being diagnosed with epilepsy, I hid it. I didn't tell anyone that I didn't have to. My family knew and that was it. None of my friends at school knew, but I did tell my best friend at the time. I didn't go into details. I told her I had seizures. That was it. And I was not about to tell anyone else I had epilepsy. I'm a freak! Those words were always in my mind.

Rarely was there a time I didn't have a crush on someone. Though at that time, I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't have a seizure in front of them. The summer between 8th and 9th grade (high school) I met quite a few boys that I began to like. It was scary to me because I was convinced I was a freak and I mean I was, right? I had seizures. That's not normal, right?

When I started high school, I got a new group of friends, which meant I probably should have told them I had seizures. Yeah, the only problem was.........that was never going to happen on my watch. I was constantly trying to convince myself that I would be fine and that I didn't need to tell anyone about my epilepsy. Looking back, I am glad I didn't tell them because I broke down every time I had a seizure and they would just stare at me. I did tell one of my friends and they did exactly what I thought they would. They looked at me and said, "okay". Though, when I did have a seizure in front of them, my medication was making sure I only had Complex Partials. My "friend" looked at me like I was an alien. She walked away while I was still in the seizure.

For the first year of being diagnosed with epilepsy, I cried everytime I had a seizure in front of someone. It was mostly hidden, but it happened. It stopped after about a year and though I would still get upset and embarrassed BEYOND BELIEF, I didn't cry. When I have seizures in front of people now, I get embarrassed, but I move on fairly quickly.

Something I have learned over the years is that life doesn't always go the way you want it to. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Never would I have thought I would start having seizures. I didn't think that I would wake up the next morning and have one in the bathroom. No matter how many times I get angry about it. No matter how many times I complain. It's not going to go away. I have to take what I have and go along with it. Yes, I thought my life would be normal. I thought I would be like everyone else, and get my license at 16 years old. I thought I would be able to get through a year of college without having crippling side effects that made me not be able to do what I was there to do: go to class, let alone, take more than two classes.

No matter what you have. If it is something physical or mental. It doesn't matter what it is. Our trials and hardships are equal. Recently, I've felt like I have been complaining too much about my condition, when there are other people out there who have even worse conditions. There are people that can't walk, talk, or do anything by themselves. However, I've learned that it doesn't make it any less of a hardship for me. It is still real. It's as real as someone elses disability. I have seizures. I can't do anything to stop them. I'm on three seizure medications and two anxiety and insomnia medications. It isn't my ideal choice, but it's what I have got to deal with.

No doubt I have learned a lot of things from my journey with epilepsy so far. However, a big thing I have learned is to not be afraid. I cannot even begin to explain how scary it is to have a seizure. It doesn't matter what size or type. Complex Partial, Simple Partial, Absense, Grand Mal; it's the same. All terrifying beyond explaination. I don't have a choice, though. I have my medications which control my seizures enough to where I only have them once a month in a cluster. I hate it, but it's what I have to deal with, and it's my life.

I have noticed that I've gotten a lot more confident lately. I am thinking it is because I am learning that I am not inferior to anyone else. I have my trials and hardships. I have epilepsy, but that doesn't make me a freak. I've gotten to the point where I can tell people I have epilepsy without hesitation. I don't need to worry about what other people say and think. Really. Who cares what others think? They can call you whatever they want. Just....

Please everyone. Don't let the world get you down.

Scary

Hello everyone.

Today was a fun day. My family celebrated my nephew's first birthday.

However, this last half hour was terrifying for me. Before my mom left to run some errands, she asked me to mow the lawn while she was gone. Thank goodness she said only the front lawn, because this next part is scary, to say the least.

I went outside, got the lawnmower, and started to mow. Everything was fine. It was a couple minutes in that my VNS went off. I couldn't get a deep enough breath, but I kept going anyway. Three minutes later, it went off again. That time, I stopped the lawnmower, and waited the thirty seconds until it was done. However, it was beginning to scare me. I continued to mow the lawn, but when I was almost done, I collapsed in the grass. It was bad. I could not get any oxygen in my lungs. I tried taking deep breaths, but I probably only got a sliver of oxygen. As I waited for this to stop, I was terrified to get up and finish mowing. But I was almost done, so I finished.

My VNS went off as I was pushing the lawnmower to the backyard, and I hurriedly went into the house. One of my cats stared at me as I collapsed on the couch, heaving. After about five minutes of lying there, I got up, got two Izze drinks, and went to my room.

Breathing is automatic for us. Our brain tells our body to breathe, and it does. So, not being able to breathe really freaked me out. I haven't been this scared in a long time.