China With Depression/Anxiety

Living in China 12 years ago, I expected this time to be a similar experience, though I am much older. I have seen things in a whole new perspective, which has been interesting. Memories flood back to me as I travel to the various places I have long since been to. My love for China has grown tremendously, if even possible. However, despite all this, it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.

On the flight from Seattle to Shanghai, I got sick towards the end. I had been napping and I woke up sick to my stomach. The rest of that night was awful. I slept on some chairs as we were waiting for our flight from Shanghai to Nanjing. My stomach wasn't happy. Luckily, I was able to keep what was left in my stomach down. However, there was a bus that took us from the Shanghai airport to the plane, and let me tell you, it was not the smoothest of rides. On the plane, I put my head in my mom's lap, which enabled me to sleep for the hour long trip.

As we got into the van that would take me and my parents to the hotel, I got upset. However, this time my stomach was not the culprit. 'Twas my mind. My anxiety decided to show its ugly face and give me a present: an anxiety attack! Hooray! That hour long drive from the Nanjing airport to our hotel seemed like an eternity. I don't know if any of you are familiar with it, but anxiety attacks are not the most lovely of things. My breathing got faster, and I couldn't get enough air. I had to pretend nothing was wrong; no suspicion. As it continued, I got out my phone, opened a new text message and typed a quick note to my mom. Something along the lines of, "I am having an anxiety attack. I can't breathe." I passed the phone to my mom. However, she told me she couldn't read it because she didn't have her glasses on. So, that was the end of that. I had no choice but to wait until we got to our hotel to let my parents know what happened. When we finally arrived, I did just that. They apologized and we went inside to check in. My mom and I stood at the desk while my dad spoke to the desk man in Chinese. After a while of waiting, we were able to make it to our room, unpack a little, and wait for sleep to take us away. No need to worry about jet lag; we were exhausted.

For the next week, I was okay. I had a little bit of culture shock, but not much. Just me not wanting to go anywhere. I wanted to stay in the hotel room and sleep and that is mostly what I did. Meanwhile, my parents were apartment hunting. I didn't care where we lived; I was too tired. I looked at a couple pictures my mom took of a possible place to live. As the week passed, my dad got frustrated that we had not found a place to live in within our budget. I, too, was a little upset. Our hotel was lovely, but I got tired of staying there. Our real estate agent was funny, though. He and another guy would take my parents apartment hunting on the back of their motos (motor scooters). For the last few times, I was also able to come as we switched from moto to moto. There were about four people in total who would drive us around. The first time I got on the back of one, we drove about three hundred feet to the next traffic light and a cop stopped us. He told us the guy couldn't have another person on the bike. It was ridiculous because everyone in the entire city has more than one person on their motos! Sometimes three! My driver tried to bribe the policeman with money. Something else I bet the policeman was thinking, was that it was strange to have a man with a blond haired young foreign girl riding on the black of his bike, down the street. As a result, I had to wait for another guy to come pick me up, once the policeman was gone. That was a glorious night.

Soon after, we were able to FINALLY get an apartment. It had been one that my parents had looked at before, but the price they were asking for was too high. The people decided to lower it, to my parents excitement. It was nice to finally have a place to live in. It took me about a week to get a bed. I had to use a hard, thin mattress type thing for a couple days, on a bed frame. The "mattress" was too big for the bed frame, leaving me with only half the bed to sleep on, unless I wanted to fall off. Our real estate agent was finding mattresses from who knows where, but they were all too big! Eventually he found one, who knows where. I didn't care; I finally had a bed! Chinese mattresses are known for being rock hard, but this mattress is pretty darn soft. I quite enjoy it.

All of the students, including me and my mom, started classes around that time. It was a terrifying time for me. I was anxious and didn't want to go. I had the thought in my head that I would be the worst one in the class and not know any Chinese compared to everyone else. However, everything was just fine. The first day, my mom and I were trying to figure out which class we wanted to be in. We started out in a beginner class, which was far too easy for us. I have taken Chinese before. It was years ago, an intensive Chinese language  camp, two years in a row. We got up, and decided to try a different class. I will tell you. That was NOT easy. The next day, we decided to go back to the beginner class. It has been the perfect review for me. In the past two years, my  mom has taken two Chinese classes, so she is enjoying it. 

I've been traveling all over the place. I've been to Beijing, Xi'an, and all the places in those cities. The Summer Palace, The Forbidden City, The Great Wall, so many. I have enjoyed every minute of it, though I've had some hard times. I've had some breakdowns from stress and anxiety. I've found myself hating everything: China, people, food, etc. That is a part of culture shock, I guess.

Lately I have been sick. My immune system is not very good, so I assumed it was just something small, and would leave soon after. However, that is not what happened. The first couple days I threw up, due to an upset stomach. The next week was filled with an upset stomach and many trips to the bathroom. I could eat hardly anything because my stomach would get upset and I would end up in the bathroom. Because of that, I was quite weak, and I was more tired than usual. I had to remember to drink a lot and try to eat without running to the bathroom ten minutes later. Fortunately, for some reason, my stomach would tolerate peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I didn't complain, though. I would find myself eating two or three a day. What was frustrating was that I would be unbelievably hungry and I wasn't able to eat anything but that. Thanks to a friend, we were finally able to make something that didn't hurt my stomach. It was over-cooked rice, mashed up bananas, vanilla and raisins. It is quite delicious. My stomach is still sensitive, but it is much better.

Lately I have been really depressed and my anxiety is extremely high. Some of you may have depression and know what I am talking about. Depression is something that doesn't just "go away", nor anxiety. I've had experiences when I am having a hard time  and people ask me what is wrong. I tell them I'm a little anxious and their answer is, "Well don't be". No really? I didn't know that! Okay. I'm not trying to be rude, but that is really frustrating when people do that. Same goes for depression. Depression isn't just "being sad". There are levels. Some people have a little bit. Some have it high enough that it can be dangerous. It's not something people should make fun of. You hear people say, "Ugh they are acting really bipolar". That gets to me, because I know people who suffer from  bipolar. So! A little bit of what depression feels like is: feeling alone. It's as if a dark cloud has taken a spot above your head, raining down upon you. It gives you thoughts of pain. Mental pain. It feels like nothing will get better. "Nobody likes me", is an example of something you could think of. "I'm  a pain in the rear end". So, I've been depressed. It's something I deal with, but it's showing itself quite a bit right now. It's been hard for me to get out of bed every morning. On days off, I tend to stay in bed till early afternoon. It's been hard for me to get involved, and eat the food here. I love Chinese food, but lately it hasn't been appetizing to me. I have found myself going to the Times Market, which is a store meant for people like me, who love American food. It's not cheap because they have to ship it all to China, but some of it is worth it. I buy chips and salsa there. Just last night I bought Andes mints, jalapeño baked chips and Dove white chocolate. It was amazing. I also have a bunch of the variety pack of miniature chocolate bars. You know, like Mr. Goodbars, Krackel, Hershey's, Hershey's dark chocolate, and I think that's it. It has been nice to have.

Anyways, I'm feeling better health wise. I am trying to get better mentally, but it's been difficult. I've gotten out of the apartment for class which has been good   because I have some good friends in my classes. My seizures haven't arrived yet. Gotta wait a while. I've noticed that my VNS hasn't been bothering me as much. Actually, not at all. I hardly notice it anymore. When it goes off while I am talking, I can barely hear any voice change. It's made me happy.

Thanks for reading this LONG post.