Living Life

I keep waiting for my life to begin. Every day I think of the things I want to do and what I wish I could do, and I think, "I just have to wait a bit and then this will happen!" I have realized there's a problem with that mindset. Whether I like it or not, my life began over 27 years ago, and it's going to keep going no matter what. It won't pause, it won't let me take a break until a miracle happens to let me love things. No. It's time that I keep that in mind because I only have one life, and no matter what happens, I need to live it to the best of my abilities.

Now that I said that, I also have to say that it is easier said than done. I have so many health issues, and it makes daily life incredibly difficult to not just enjoy, but live. One of my conditions is called "Migraine With Aura." I have mentioned this in the past, but I called them "Complex Migraines." These mimic strokes, and even when they don't take me to the Emergency Room, I am in bed all day. I get extreme double vision and can't see squat or move. It's a whole thing and very traumatizing. The thing with these is they come on at random times. I will be fine the day before, but then the next morning I get one. That makes it difficult to plan things, and I have had to cancel many appointments because of it. Because of the unpredictability, I can't be sure I will be fine on the day of plans. Let's say I want to fly somewhere to visit family. Well, that may or may not happen because there is a risk I will wake up the day of my flight and not be able to see or move without assistance (and even then, I almost fall, and have). These have gotten more common over the years and it's distressing. Is it so much to ask that I go see family like I used to? Apparently so. 

I really don't want to be depressing, and my parents are always telling me to write "more uplifting and cheerful things," but then it wouldn't be authentic, and there wouldn't be a point to this blog. Sorry, Mom and Dad.

So I think I will just have to do the best I can with this life thing. I may not be one of those people that seem to have a life calling, and I may not be able to do things that others can, but I can do the best I can. And I really need to work on not talking bad about myself, but I've done it for a long time (since I was diagnosed with epilepsy) that it's just natural. I know, I know, bad Sara.

One thing I am proud of is how I have handled the past year and a half. I decided at the end of 2021, when my mental health was at its absolute worst, that I needed to take care of my mental health and that is what I have been attempting to do. It hasn't been easy, and it has involved doing things I didn't think I could do. I thought I was too weak. But I had help from someone and you know who you are.

Life is short, that saying is true. Sometimes young people are taken way too early and it's absolutely not fair, but it does show that we need to live life how we want (or are able) because life is unpredictable. I think I am going to just do the small things that make me happy.