Things Are Turning Around

I have been home for about a month now. Originally, it was hard to adjust. Being back in the hot weather with dry heat; not easy after being in the humidity and rain. However, I have gotten used to it again.

Immediately after I got home, I started applying for jobs. I needed money and I had no source of income. Also, I was planning on moving out of my house to my own apartment whenever possible. Day after day, I applied for more and more jobs, and nothing ever came of it. As you can imagine, that was difficult. I had received a call from one of the places I applied to, and they told me I wouldn't start till August, and I would have to be monitored to see if I was worthy of being a full-time worker. So, that did not work out. I probably applied for 20 places and nothing happened. It was frustrating because here all of my friends were getting jobs, and I couldn't get even one. Eventually, a place I had started an application for, called me. I hadn't finished the online application, and I know I did NOT click submit. However, on the way home from a camping trip with my mom, I saw that I had a voicemail. It was a store I applied to, and they wanted to know if I wanted to come in for an interview that next Monday. It was surprising to get the call, because I wasn't sure how they got my application. I decided to go to the interview. I thought the interview went terrible. I didn't make any sense, and after rambling on, I would say, "does that make sense?" I just knew I wouldn't get the job. The interviewer told me that the company would email me with a background check and they would get back to me. The next day, I got a call and I accepted the job! I started the next day. So, I now have a job! I really do enjoy it. The people are friendly and I have come out of my shell and introduced myself to coworkers. I do not want to dread work and feel alone, so I told myself I needed to push myself and get out there. It worked!

About a month ago, I was talking to my best friend who is currently out of the country. I was telling her that I was probably going to move out of my house this fall. She was excited, and that led to me searching for apartments that we could live in together! I sat on my laptop for days, looking and looking. Finally, although we did not want to, I realized that it would be okay to have some roommates, as long as I was rooming with my best friend. We are very much the same, where we would prefer to live alone. Anyways, I found us a place, and we finalized everything! Not only that, but it is super close to my work, and I can walk to it! I feel very fortunate.

Seizure-wise, I was surprised when I went camping. It was high altitude, and I had NO seizures. A few days ago, however, I did have a cluster. Not fun, but it's okay. It's been especially hard because it's been in the high 90's here, and my body has been stressed out from the heat. I'm trying to drink a lot of fluids. I also use my VNS magnet when I have seizures, so that has been quite helpful.

An Unfortunate Seizure

So, something unfortunate happened. On June 2nd, I had a grand mal seizure. Yep. I have not had one since December of 2014. I was alone in my sister's basement on my bed when it occurred. You're probably wondering why it happened.

I had made it through "that time of month" with no seizures. That is the time I have my monthly cluster of seizures. I was fairly excited that I had had none. A few days after my cycle had ended, I was watching some YouTube videos, and I had some seizures. Nothing too bad, just the usual. However, my heart began to pound and I freaked out a little bit. I felt sick and had some strange feelings that I cannot describe. I texted my sister, but she was asleep, so I decided to deal with it on my own. I knew that I needed to take my medications, but I was afraid they would come right back up. Finally, I swallowed them, and I went to bed, breathing hard. The next morning, I went upstairs to take my morning medications, and I looked at the spot from the night before. Most of the medications were still there. I had only taken two of the pills. Only 1200 mg, when it's supposed to be 2300 mg. I knew that wasn't good, but worse had happened, and I knew I would just have to deal with the seizures. Unfortunately, early afternoon, I was lying in bed, and I felt a seizure coming on. However, it was not a simple-partial seizure. It was a grand mal. I knew that feeling. The jumping feeling in my stomach. The out of body feeling. There was no echo, because nobody was there to talk. My heart was beating hard and fast. After it was over, my body was in shock. I wanted to text my sister who was upstairs, but my cognitive functions were not working well enough. When I was finally able to text her, she came right down, and helped me.

Shortly after the seizure, I had to start packing because we were going to drive to Kentucky. I had never had to do something so fast after a grand mal. Whenever I have had one, I rest all day. I had no choice this time. However, my cognitive functions were still askew. My brain could not wrap itself around the fact that I needed to pack. My sister eventually came down to see if I was done, which I was not even close to. I had about four pieces of clothing in my bag. It was scary to not know how to do anything. The rest of the day was hard as well. I wanted to talk, but the words couldn't form well. My brain was fried.

I had a grand mal seizure just three months after I had my VNS implanted. It was not turned up very high, so it did not do a whole lot. However, this last grand mal, I noticed a huge difference. I didn't twist my body to the left. No twisting at all. It wasn't as long, which was interesting. Usually I don't have an idea of how long they last, but I knew this time. I am so grateful I have the VNS.

In previous posts I have discussed how grand mal seizures wipe ALL of your energy from your body. It has been two days, and I am STILL exhausted. My body aches and I want to sleep all the time. It is definitely better than before, though. Over the past almost nine years, I have learned more than I ever thought was possible. I know that things happen that are out of my control at times. Grand mal seizures are by far, the scariest things I have ever gone through, However, I know that I am stronger than I have ever been. Never would I have thought that this would happen to me. 12 year old Sara thought that she would grow up and be able to drive at 16. She thought that she would just be a normal person who never in her wildest thoughts would be epileptic. Things change in the blink of an eye, though. And that is okay. We get through it. We get stronger everyday, no matter how difficult it is.

A Bit Of Everything

2016 was a rough year for me. Not only then, but now. I have felt completely vulnerable, like I have no clue what I want. Now I know some of you are probably thinking, "Sara, you don't need to have your life figured out just yet!" or "You're so young! You have plenty of time!" As I appreciate the support from those people, I don't feel like that, because I'm not 18 anymore. I used to tell people that I was going back to college, and that was pretty much my default answer. Almost four years later, that is no longer the case. I am not in college now. I am a nanny, all the way across the country.

As I said, I have felt like I should know what I want to do. I see the people I went to high school with. I see them dating, getting married, and having kids! It's not that I want those things now, but it still bothers me. One of those "irrational" thoughts, you could say. However, a few months ago, one of my sisters called me up, and sounded hesitant. She told me she had a "big favor" to ask. She asked me if I would be willing to be her son's nanny for a few months. I immediately said yes, knowing that that was what I needed to do then. At the time, I had been looking for jobs, but I could not get hired for the life of me. I believe it was a blessing. At the end of February, I flew out to Kentucky and moved in with my sister, her husband, and her son. I had been there for a couple weeks, when I packed up and drove up to Ohio to visit my other sister for a few weeks. She has two kids, and I was able to take care of them a bit. After that, I went BACK to Kentucky to finish my nanny job for about a month and a half. I am now at my sisters in Ohio, as her nanny. CONFUSION, I know. It has been an exhausting few months, but I am so happy that I am here. It has been so fun being with my family.

Stress is one of the triggers for seizures, and I have definitely had a lot of stress. Lack of sleep is one of them, too. I've had to learn how to discipline myself, because one way or another, I have a job to do. I have to wake up every morning and babysit. It's my duty. A few months ago, I would not have been able to do this. I could barely wake up before 10 in the morning. As I said, stress and lack of sleep are big triggers for me, and I have had plenty of them, not including my regular clusters that occur once a month. It's hard, yes. But, I have powered through it, and I am proud of myself.


                                                             Something different.
                                                                 

I'm going to talk about one of my nephews, E. He has always been a special baby. Always sweet and loving, and I love him more than anything. When he was born, we found out he had a ton of allergies. He wasn't able to have regular formula. It had to be this expensive formula called Alimentum made by Similac. It had to be the liquid formula because he was allergic to dairy and soy, which is found in the powdered version. A bottle of it is about $10.99 at any store. I remember following my sister around and she would buy every bottle on the shelf. As E has grown older, he has had troubles with his allergies. One tough ride. He has trouble sleeping, and will cry and cry for up to an hour. My sister has known he has behavior issues, but when her family moved to Ohio, she wanted to get a diagnosis if she could. After some tests, the doctors were able to determine without a doubt, that E has autism. It wasn't a big deal for me, because I knew he had behavior issues, but hearing that word, "autism", threw me off a bit. I will tell you, though. Nothing has changed whatsoever.

I used to be uncomfortable around people with disabilities. This was up until I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I did not like "different". It made me nervous. However, my perspective changed completely once I learned that I, too, had a disability. It's made me be able to empathize with people who are different. Not just people who have seizures.

It is only natural for people to feel uncomfortable with something "different". People get scared and that is okay. That is how it was with me. However, the more knowledge you gain about something, the less nervous you are. Having been one who has had a disability for almost nine years now, I've learned that it is nothing to be afraid of. I am grateful that I am able to be around my nephew because I am learning so much about autism. My mom has worked around people with not only autism, but all sorts of disabilities, and I have gained a lot of knowledge from her. As I play with E, it's so fun learning. I have never known sign language, (besides the alphabet) but now I have learned a couple of "phrases" such as, "I love you". I taught him how to sign it, and he will actually sign some of it back every once in a while.

It's not about the autism. It's not about the disability. It's about the person and some things that have to be accommodated to help them. Yes, I have epilepsy, and it's tough. However, I am no different from anyone else. Yes, there are things that I cannot do. I cannot drive, but that is a positive thing because if I did, I might crash, and I could seriously injure or even kill someone. That goes for me, too.

The Process

When I first got diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of 13, it felt like my life came crashing down. I remember telling my family about the diagnosis and they were upset as well. I knew I needed to tell my friends, but I didn't know how exactly. "Oh hey, I have epilepsy now." That isn't what I wanted to say, but again, I had no clue how to bring it up. One day I didn't have seizures, the next I had epilepsy. I believe the first person I told officially, besides my family, was my then best friend. I brought it up, and it was extremely uncomfortable. I believe I told her flat out that I have epilepsy. She looked at me a little weird, but then got over it. After that, I would only tell people if I had to. This happened for years. I would find a way, ANY way, to get around the topic. If I wasn't able to go out and do an activity because of the seizures, and the seizures not being in control, I would make something up instead of telling the person about my condition. I never had anyone to talk to. Obviously, my family was there for me and I was able to talk to them, but I didn't have anyone to relate to. Nobody to discuss what I was feeling, and what those strange things were that happened--only to find out later that they were auras.

There was no "moment" where I realized I wasn't alone. It was a process. It's taken years and years. When I would tell people why I was upset after a seizure, that I felt like a freak, of course they would tell me, "You are not a freak, Sara." Okay. Yes, deep down, I knew that. But that wasn't exactly comforting. I wanted to talk it out with someone who knew what I was going through. After a while, I kept a lot of my feelings in. I knew exactly one person who had epilepsy. Just one. My sister found a website, Epilepsy Foundation (www.epilepsyfoundation.ning.com), and there are some forums on there. That was the first step of me being able to talk to someone else going through a similar situation. I was on that website everyday, answering people's questions, and asking my own. It brought some peace knowing that I was able to help people with their issues, and also having some of my questions answered. I am not on that site as much anymore, but I still use it.

In 2014, I made a big decision. I was going to get the Vagal Nerve Stimulator. I was going to go into surgery and get it implanted inside my chest and neck. There was going to be a lead (wire) wrapped around my Vagus Nerve that would send waves of stimulation to my brain. The VNS had been something I had vaguely heard of from my neurologist, as there was a poster hanging in one of the examination rooms. She told me what it does and that sort of thing. As I am sure you can imagine, the idea completely freaked me out. I said no, and that was that. No changing my mind. It wasn't a serious thought, anyway. We were just talking about it, but at the time I thought I was being forced to consider it. One day, maybe a few months later, my mom and I took a walk. I remember the exact spot where I decided I wanted to get the VNS. We were walking by our bank, and I told my mom that I was tired of seizures. Just forever exhausted from having them all the time. Every two weeks. Sometimes one. I told her that I wanted to talk to my neurologist about it, and that I was willing to get it. My mom supported me, which made me feel good. When I was at my next appointment with my neurologist, I told her about my decision. She told me I was a good candidate for it, being that I don't respond to medications completely, and that my seizures are the ideal size for it. She talked to the neurosurgeon who would be performing the surgery, and we got the date set.

My parents were going to go to Cambodia a few weeks before the date of my surgery, and my mom was a bit antsy, asking me if I wanted her to stay for the surgery. "I don't have to go! How about I just stay with you." She was nervous. I told her everything would be fine, and that I had my sister to take me and take care of me after. I also had my other siblings.

I got my first laptop right after my parents left. I wanted to get it before the surgery, so that I would have it to use while I was recovering. After I got the computer, a few days before the surgery I decided to make a video for my rarely used YouTube channel. All that was on it were a couple Spongebob videos, some of me and my friend singing, and other random videos. I had been researching the VNS, and there were only a couple of videos on it. Both of them were of some girl's post-surgery. They didn't provide much information, so I decided to make one of my own. It was about three days before, and I used my poor-quality laptop camera to make a video. I talked about the VNS, and how I was going to have the surgery soon. I told the viewers (if any), that I would make a follow-up video after the surgery, so they could see what happened. That, right there, is how I started my way of helping people.

I had been making YouTube videos for quite a while. I made a new video for every step of the VNS process. From when I was still loopy after the surgery, to getting my VNS turned on, etc. I continued with the videos through my first year of college, talking about my medications and the hardships that I was going through with epilepsy. I believe it was in June of 2015 when I decided to make a separate email for YouTube, so the people who watched my videos could have someone to talk to if they wanted. Soon after, I actually got an email from someone! It was so exciting! I was able to talk to a person going through my situation! I began to get more emails, all from different people, talking about their feelings and how they were doing. I have made a lot of friends from those people emailing me! I have a close friend in particular who I have been emailing for over a year. She has helped me so much with being able to talk things out. I love being able to discuss our lives and current issues. I have some other friends that I frequently email as well.

In August of 2015, I started this blog. I never thought anybody would actually read it, aside from my family. However, after a while it took off! Now I have people reading it who I don't even know! I love making videos, but I love having a blog to write on as well. It is so nice to be able to write out what I am thinking and feeling, and knowing that there are people who enjoy reading it.

Many people have told me in the past that I have helped them feel so much better about epilepsy, and how they don't feel alone anymore. They appreciate the information I give them, and the fact that I openly share my experiences. However, you all need to know that I have gained so much from you. I have learned about things that I had no clue about before. I learn more about epilepsy every day, and I know that I am not alone in this world at all. There is no need for comparison, but it's amazing how different, yet the same, people with epilepsy are. I so greatly appreciate all of the support you all have given me. All of the comments and help, they have given me strength. Thank you!

Day before surgery

After the surgery

After bandages removed

See The Good Side

About two months ago, I went six weeks without having any seizures. I am not sure why, but I was conflicted. Happy because obviously I was not having seizures, but also upset because I knew it would not last. When the seizures started up again, I was discouraged. Even if I had gone without seizures for three months, I would have felt the same way. Almost like I was cheated.

It has been almost nine years since my first seizure. Throughout the years, I have gone through stages. By that, I mean stages of mind. For the first year or two I would break down every time I had a seizure. The first year was grand mal seizures, which I would come out of crying. The second year was when I got more medication and was able to control the grand mals, so I would have complex-partials. Even with those, I would cry when I had them. It always happened that way. As the years past, I stopped getting so emotional from the seizures. I have grown used to it. Every once in a while, I will get overwhelmed while I am having them, but overall, I am fine.

The point I am trying to get at is that I now realize I was beating myself up after I went six whole weeks without seizures. The fact is, I should have been excited! I have not gone that long without a seizure in years! They have definitely decreased in size and are not as frequent as before, but frankly, this is a big achievement. In general, we as people tend to look at the bad side of things instead of good. A perfect example is when I went six weeks seizure-free! It was incredible that I had gone so long with no seizures, but when I did have one, I only thought of the bad side, and sulked. I really should have been excited that I had gone so long without one, instead of thinking I would never be truly seizure-free.

The thing is, we all have our issues. I am telling you, it is SO easy to only look at the bad side of things. Sometimes it takes a clear mind to sort through all of those files.

Gotta Love Epilepsy

Long time no...write? I've been busy, you could say. Okay, not really. Life has been hard for the past two months?

For starters, depression and anxiety are not my friends. They have gotten bad over the past months and it has got to the point where it is hard for me to even leave my apartment. So, that has been difficult. When I go back to the United States, I'm hoping to change my anti-depression medication from Zoloft to something that actually works. It worked for a while, but when I got to China, it basically stopped working. Now, I am not sure if that is because of the stress that I have had here, but that should not matter. The medication should help no matter what situation I am in.

Epilepsy. Same same. Well, I have definitely had more seizures while in China than usual. The norm for my seizures is having one cluster of simple-partials a month, around "that time". However, I have been confused as to why I have had more, at different times. I have figured out why. Some of you may know that one of the many possible triggers for seizures is stress and lack of sleep. It's no question that I have had both of those. In general, I get stressed out fairly easily. Being in China, though I love it, has given me some stressors. That includes being away from my life as I know it. It has been on and off, but in general, I have missed quite a bit. One of those things is the piano. It has been almost four months since I have played those keys and I am missing it a lot.

Anyways, my seizures are the same. Same look, same type. They are just more frequent. It's been frustrating. When I have seizures, I get bad headaches. They last for hours and it isn't particularly enjoyable. It's hard enough to have clusters once a month, but now that I've had seizures more than usual, it seems like I always have a headache. I have been sleeping a lot because of it, and it feels like I never get enough sleep. When I wake up and it is eleven or twelve, I feel exhausted. It feels like I have not slept in days. That is another thing that people with epilepsy have to deal with. 8-9 hours of sleep is a good amount for adults. However, people with epilepsy may sleep that long, but it feels like 4-5 hours of sleep. So, you can imagine how that feels.

I have a week left here in China. The 15th is going to be a very long day, with the lovely time change. Figuring out my medication with the time change has been extremely difficult. I think I have finally figured out how to go about it, which requires me having to skip a dose. Hooray!

China With Depression/Anxiety

Living in China 12 years ago, I expected this time to be a similar experience, though I am much older. I have seen things in a whole new perspective, which has been interesting. Memories flood back to me as I travel to the various places I have long since been to. My love for China has grown tremendously, if even possible. However, despite all this, it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.

On the flight from Seattle to Shanghai, I got sick towards the end. I had been napping and I woke up sick to my stomach. The rest of that night was awful. I slept on some chairs as we were waiting for our flight from Shanghai to Nanjing. My stomach wasn't happy. Luckily, I was able to keep what was left in my stomach down. However, there was a bus that took us from the Shanghai airport to the plane, and let me tell you, it was not the smoothest of rides. On the plane, I put my head in my mom's lap, which enabled me to sleep for the hour long trip.

As we got into the van that would take me and my parents to the hotel, I got upset. However, this time my stomach was not the culprit. 'Twas my mind. My anxiety decided to show its ugly face and give me a present: an anxiety attack! Hooray! That hour long drive from the Nanjing airport to our hotel seemed like an eternity. I don't know if any of you are familiar with it, but anxiety attacks are not the most lovely of things. My breathing got faster, and I couldn't get enough air. I had to pretend nothing was wrong; no suspicion. As it continued, I got out my phone, opened a new text message and typed a quick note to my mom. Something along the lines of, "I am having an anxiety attack. I can't breathe." I passed the phone to my mom. However, she told me she couldn't read it because she didn't have her glasses on. So, that was the end of that. I had no choice but to wait until we got to our hotel to let my parents know what happened. When we finally arrived, I did just that. They apologized and we went inside to check in. My mom and I stood at the desk while my dad spoke to the desk man in Chinese. After a while of waiting, we were able to make it to our room, unpack a little, and wait for sleep to take us away. No need to worry about jet lag; we were exhausted.

For the next week, I was okay. I had a little bit of culture shock, but not much. Just me not wanting to go anywhere. I wanted to stay in the hotel room and sleep and that is mostly what I did. Meanwhile, my parents were apartment hunting. I didn't care where we lived; I was too tired. I looked at a couple pictures my mom took of a possible place to live. As the week passed, my dad got frustrated that we had not found a place to live in within our budget. I, too, was a little upset. Our hotel was lovely, but I got tired of staying there. Our real estate agent was funny, though. He and another guy would take my parents apartment hunting on the back of their motos (motor scooters). For the last few times, I was also able to come as we switched from moto to moto. There were about four people in total who would drive us around. The first time I got on the back of one, we drove about three hundred feet to the next traffic light and a cop stopped us. He told us the guy couldn't have another person on the bike. It was ridiculous because everyone in the entire city has more than one person on their motos! Sometimes three! My driver tried to bribe the policeman with money. Something else I bet the policeman was thinking, was that it was strange to have a man with a blond haired young foreign girl riding on the black of his bike, down the street. As a result, I had to wait for another guy to come pick me up, once the policeman was gone. That was a glorious night.

Soon after, we were able to FINALLY get an apartment. It had been one that my parents had looked at before, but the price they were asking for was too high. The people decided to lower it, to my parents excitement. It was nice to finally have a place to live in. It took me about a week to get a bed. I had to use a hard, thin mattress type thing for a couple days, on a bed frame. The "mattress" was too big for the bed frame, leaving me with only half the bed to sleep on, unless I wanted to fall off. Our real estate agent was finding mattresses from who knows where, but they were all too big! Eventually he found one, who knows where. I didn't care; I finally had a bed! Chinese mattresses are known for being rock hard, but this mattress is pretty darn soft. I quite enjoy it.

All of the students, including me and my mom, started classes around that time. It was a terrifying time for me. I was anxious and didn't want to go. I had the thought in my head that I would be the worst one in the class and not know any Chinese compared to everyone else. However, everything was just fine. The first day, my mom and I were trying to figure out which class we wanted to be in. We started out in a beginner class, which was far too easy for us. I have taken Chinese before. It was years ago, an intensive Chinese language  camp, two years in a row. We got up, and decided to try a different class. I will tell you. That was NOT easy. The next day, we decided to go back to the beginner class. It has been the perfect review for me. In the past two years, my  mom has taken two Chinese classes, so she is enjoying it. 

I've been traveling all over the place. I've been to Beijing, Xi'an, and all the places in those cities. The Summer Palace, The Forbidden City, The Great Wall, so many. I have enjoyed every minute of it, though I've had some hard times. I've had some breakdowns from stress and anxiety. I've found myself hating everything: China, people, food, etc. That is a part of culture shock, I guess.

Lately I have been sick. My immune system is not very good, so I assumed it was just something small, and would leave soon after. However, that is not what happened. The first couple days I threw up, due to an upset stomach. The next week was filled with an upset stomach and many trips to the bathroom. I could eat hardly anything because my stomach would get upset and I would end up in the bathroom. Because of that, I was quite weak, and I was more tired than usual. I had to remember to drink a lot and try to eat without running to the bathroom ten minutes later. Fortunately, for some reason, my stomach would tolerate peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I didn't complain, though. I would find myself eating two or three a day. What was frustrating was that I would be unbelievably hungry and I wasn't able to eat anything but that. Thanks to a friend, we were finally able to make something that didn't hurt my stomach. It was over-cooked rice, mashed up bananas, vanilla and raisins. It is quite delicious. My stomach is still sensitive, but it is much better.

Lately I have been really depressed and my anxiety is extremely high. Some of you may have depression and know what I am talking about. Depression is something that doesn't just "go away", nor anxiety. I've had experiences when I am having a hard time  and people ask me what is wrong. I tell them I'm a little anxious and their answer is, "Well don't be". No really? I didn't know that! Okay. I'm not trying to be rude, but that is really frustrating when people do that. Same goes for depression. Depression isn't just "being sad". There are levels. Some people have a little bit. Some have it high enough that it can be dangerous. It's not something people should make fun of. You hear people say, "Ugh they are acting really bipolar". That gets to me, because I know people who suffer from  bipolar. So! A little bit of what depression feels like is: feeling alone. It's as if a dark cloud has taken a spot above your head, raining down upon you. It gives you thoughts of pain. Mental pain. It feels like nothing will get better. "Nobody likes me", is an example of something you could think of. "I'm  a pain in the rear end". So, I've been depressed. It's something I deal with, but it's showing itself quite a bit right now. It's been hard for me to get out of bed every morning. On days off, I tend to stay in bed till early afternoon. It's been hard for me to get involved, and eat the food here. I love Chinese food, but lately it hasn't been appetizing to me. I have found myself going to the Times Market, which is a store meant for people like me, who love American food. It's not cheap because they have to ship it all to China, but some of it is worth it. I buy chips and salsa there. Just last night I bought Andes mints, jalapeño baked chips and Dove white chocolate. It was amazing. I also have a bunch of the variety pack of miniature chocolate bars. You know, like Mr. Goodbars, Krackel, Hershey's, Hershey's dark chocolate, and I think that's it. It has been nice to have.

Anyways, I'm feeling better health wise. I am trying to get better mentally, but it's been difficult. I've gotten out of the apartment for class which has been good   because I have some good friends in my classes. My seizures haven't arrived yet. Gotta wait a while. I've noticed that my VNS hasn't been bothering me as much. Actually, not at all. I hardly notice it anymore. When it goes off while I am talking, I can barely hear any voice change. It's made me happy.

Thanks for reading this LONG post.